Expected but undeserved
Wore my Intermap shirt today. They gave it to me when the manhattan project ended. I don't wear corporate shirts, but I thought I should wear it at least once, and figured if there's any day to wear it, might as well be today since it's the AGM. Surprisingly though, the shirt is very comfortable, and looks pretty good too. I'm not sure it's my colour, but it's a nice style, the logo is elegantly blended with the background. Not like my Geomatics Engg shirt they gave me when I finished MSc, my one time wearing it was to suck up while getting the final signatures. I felt so fake wearing it. I felt like I should be behind a desk handing out pens and telling people to join our department cause we're so great. Anyways the Intermap shirt was well done and I'll probably wear it some more.
Shortly after lunch there was a brief "town hall" meeting in the lunch room. I saw they had some 'certificates of excellence' on the table, and I knew what was coming. A few other people got them, then I got one for my contribution to manhattan. I had a big smile on my face throughout, but it was more of amusement than of happiness and pride. A few assorted people asked later if I had been surprised, and I said no, I kindof knew they'd do that, even though I don't think they should. I know for sure I don't deserve any recognition for that, I didn't do anything much, didn't come up with any ideas, etc. But the awards thing amused me. Later in the afternoon, thinking about it made me feel uncomfortable, kindof ill almost, I dunno, I think I might have talked about this once before though I can't remember what specifically it was about. Just the general feeling... getting some kind of appreciation should be nice, but then the person giving it really doesn't know anything about me, or what I really did, that sort of thing, so it feels like a false gesture overall. I feel bad that it's supposed to make me feel good but it doesn't. And that I didn't really earn it (if I really did something special and someone rewarded me, I'd still say "oh don't worry about it" but I'd still feel good about it; this isn't like that) I dunno how to describe it, and really there's no point to even think about it, just take it and be happy or forget about it. It's weird and uncomfortable to take a step back and look at the world and wonder why we feel the way we do, why we do the things we do, etc.
posted by ninjashowdown @ 8:42 a.m.
4 Comments:
You deserve it. Though the person giving you the award doesn't know what you've done, but think about the person that nominate you for the award. There is a reason that you received an award since not everyone gets one. You must be OUTSTANDING! appreciate the acknowledgement or the good intentions of recognition will go to a waste.
I think it's that I find people to be so false in general (some much more or less than others) and hate it, and strive to not be that way, esp for interpersonal matters. But when it comes to work, I'm a big offender and 'awards' emphasize that.
Define False. Define Truth. Who is to say who's false and who's true. How can you tell?
Be more optimistic. Allow people to thank you for your efforts. It's sad if someone say "thank you" and all you ever think about is if that person meant it or not.
Simply accept the gratitude and say "welcome" =)
My last bit was about my own hypocrisy in work, I do believe they meant the congratulations.
False is a fairly clearly defined concept: being insincere, deceiving, lying or pretending (without making it clear you are doing so), etc., to others or to oneself.
Post a Comment
<< Home